Reality and Doubts

Dear Cancer, I hate you so much.

Mom is still struggling so much with the intestinal issues. Mainly the uncontrollable and sudden diarrhea. It breaks my heart to hear her so angry and embarrassed because of something she has absolutely no control over.

I keep telling myself that I have to stay positive and stay "UP" for her. I am trying to focus on her attitude about this, be it denial or sheer lack of knowledge about just how serious and how bad this situation is. She continues to tell everyone she is going to beat this, that she is going to be fine. I see things a little differently; I see her weight on a steady decline, I see her blood work constantly slipping, I see her color fading.. I also know that this cancer is not something that is beatable. At least not when it is found so late, so advanced. I also know that the doctor told me 6 months might be a stretch. That was in July. Sigh... I carry this all around in my mind and it DOES get to me a lot.

I see people on Facebook whining and bitching about how bad their lives are and I laugh at them. Yeah whatever.. suck it up. Most of those people have absolutely NOTHING to be bitching about. Shit I wish I had their problems. I guess when you face this battle head on it shows you exactly what DOES matter and what really is just so petty. Bah..

I wonder each morning what will happen this day. I make that morning phone call to check on Mom and hold my breath to see how she sounds when she answers the phone. I can tell in her "Hello" how she is, it's normally very obvious when she is not doing well. The past few days have been tired sounding but okay otherwise.

Having been able to spend time with Jared while he was here for 2 weeks was wonderful therapy for her. It was really hard to see her with him though; knowing in my heart and soul that it may very well be the last time he sees her alive. Holy cow, how DO you deal with that?? I don't know how to so I just take it as it comes and hope and pray for that miracle that I know is a long shot.


So, that's what you are doing to me Cancer. I hate you and I will never, ever be the same person I used to be because of you. BUT... I will take this all in and learn from it and strive to become an even BETTER person. You will not win Cancer.. Never!!!!