Dear cancer.. Man how I despise you!!!!!
Mom was here yesterday for supper. It was a really nice visit. Lots of lighthearted conversation as well as some mutually understood silences.
Mom saw her regular doctor on Friday. Although she did not tell me about the whole visit until Saturday, she did tell me he said her kidney is enlarged. I did not press for more information as I did not want her to stop talking. She knows I document everything to share with the oncologist and I have to be very careful not to pressure her or she won't tell me a damned thing. Just the way she is. It is on her terms or not at all. It's taken a bit of trial and error and I am still not 100% with getting the information out of her but I am able to get enough to keep on top of anything new or significant.
Anyway, I digress.. She was here yesterday for supper. Her appetite was good and she seemed to enjoy the food. We did not talk a lot about the medical shit, just kept it light. She stayed for a few hours then she headed for home. After she left Trev made a comment that set me back on my heels... He said it looks like Nanny found a new place for her spray tans.
Let me explain; when Mom was so jaundiced back in June, Trevor made an innocent comment that she looked like she had a really bad spray tan. He was so right! That was the best way to explain what she looked like.
So, last evening when he said that, my heart skipped a beat. There was an incredible complete silence for a few seconds and Meg added, somewhat hesitantly that yes, Nanny was looking yellowish again. DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT to hell and back...
A couple of thoughts cross my mind about this. 1) when the stents were put in her liver the surgeon told her that they would need to be removed/cleaned after a period of time. (Need to check my notes about this) and 2) if that IS the case then maybe this yellowing is nothing more than a signal that the stents are in need of cleaning or replacement? Yes I know that this cancer is terminal but I am NOT ready to throw in the towel yet! In all honesty, I may NEVER be ready for that, but that decision will be made on my behalf, sadly.
Oh cancer, you robbed me of another night's sleep and I am getting VERY sick and God damned tired of you doing this. WHY WON'T YOU DIE!!!??????
Thinking of starting an online support group for only children who are in the role of caregiver to their parents. As alone as I feel, I know I cannot be the only one in this situation. And I cannot even begin to explain how good it would be to have someone, ANYONE who shares or has shared this experience to talk to.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Dear Cancer.. piss off...
The much anticipated CT scan is over with and the EKG and ultrasound of Mom's legs are done, too.
What a long week she has had.
First, she insisted, rather venomously, that she would take herself to the scans and she did not need or want me there. Okay, independence is always a good thing. Even if I did have all that GUILT to deal with over not being with her. Sigh.. Turns out maybe I should have been there, but maybe it was for the best that I wasn't.
The contrast drink she had to take was a huge problem. She has been dealing with horrible diarrhea since the beginning of the chemo treatments. It is uncontrollable and comes out of nowhere and just HAPPENS. The drink she had to take also causes diarrhea.. intentionally as it has to be evacuated from the system as soon a possible after the test. Sadly, coupled with the issues she already has, this stuff went through her so fast that there was no way to prepare for it. It was already a nightmare in progress before she even got to the hospital. Sigh.. this breaks my heart. She was so upset and so embarrassed and so angry by the time she finally got home, dressed in hospital scrub pants as hers were not wearable. I feel once again completely helpless.
It's so hard. I try so hard to help her out. I try to recommend things that would be helpful and beneficial. I try to explain to her how to take the meds in order for them to work more efficiently but in Mom's eyes I don't know what I am talking about. It's so hard for her to acknowledge that maybe I do know what I am talking about after all. She is a very stubborn and proud lady. That doesn't always work in her favor. Especially now.
So, I write notes. I document everything and keep it in her binder; the cancer chronicles. I write down every symptom, every little complaint she makes to me. I keep details of everything so I am able to share them with the oncologist. She doesn't believe that any of it is important. Maybe not but you never know on a cancer journey what really IS and is NOT important and what could be signals of something serious beginning.
My project before now and next weeks chemo is to write up the ton of notes about the nightmare scans, find a way to present the fact that she will NEVER allow them to put her through this ever again (and I do not blame her) and hopefully come to a compromise on future scans. All of this while I have the waiting on the results on my mind, too.
Dear cancer, I am not only hating on you, but I am asking, begging for you to just go away! FAR AWAY and leave us alone... You are not welcome here!
The much anticipated CT scan is over with and the EKG and ultrasound of Mom's legs are done, too.
What a long week she has had.
First, she insisted, rather venomously, that she would take herself to the scans and she did not need or want me there. Okay, independence is always a good thing. Even if I did have all that GUILT to deal with over not being with her. Sigh.. Turns out maybe I should have been there, but maybe it was for the best that I wasn't.
The contrast drink she had to take was a huge problem. She has been dealing with horrible diarrhea since the beginning of the chemo treatments. It is uncontrollable and comes out of nowhere and just HAPPENS. The drink she had to take also causes diarrhea.. intentionally as it has to be evacuated from the system as soon a possible after the test. Sadly, coupled with the issues she already has, this stuff went through her so fast that there was no way to prepare for it. It was already a nightmare in progress before she even got to the hospital. Sigh.. this breaks my heart. She was so upset and so embarrassed and so angry by the time she finally got home, dressed in hospital scrub pants as hers were not wearable. I feel once again completely helpless.
It's so hard. I try so hard to help her out. I try to recommend things that would be helpful and beneficial. I try to explain to her how to take the meds in order for them to work more efficiently but in Mom's eyes I don't know what I am talking about. It's so hard for her to acknowledge that maybe I do know what I am talking about after all. She is a very stubborn and proud lady. That doesn't always work in her favor. Especially now.
So, I write notes. I document everything and keep it in her binder; the cancer chronicles. I write down every symptom, every little complaint she makes to me. I keep details of everything so I am able to share them with the oncologist. She doesn't believe that any of it is important. Maybe not but you never know on a cancer journey what really IS and is NOT important and what could be signals of something serious beginning.
My project before now and next weeks chemo is to write up the ton of notes about the nightmare scans, find a way to present the fact that she will NEVER allow them to put her through this ever again (and I do not blame her) and hopefully come to a compromise on future scans. All of this while I have the waiting on the results on my mind, too.
Dear cancer, I am not only hating on you, but I am asking, begging for you to just go away! FAR AWAY and leave us alone... You are not welcome here!
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Pain, water and good reports..
Dear Cancer.. YOU SUCK.
Mom has been having pain, lots of pain but not in her abdomen with this shit is living. It's in her thighs. Both sides. It's been a challenge to find out what is causing this but I am determined!
We saw the doctor this past week. Surprisingly we got some excellent news. Mom's tumor markers have decreased dramatically and by all standards this is an indication that the chemo is working!! (Take THAT cancer!) Now we are waiting for the CT scan appointment so we can see what is really happening in there.
To say we were happy is an understatement! BUT this news was slightly overshadowed by the pain issue. I asked it this could be from the Neulasta injections and the doctor did not think so. He actually was not sure what was causing it so we are waiting for an appointment for an ultrasound as well.
In the meantime, I have been able to talk to a few of my lung cancer people online and found out a few things.
1- Neulasta could be the cause. Most people who have had the shots have had problems with pain in the muscles, bones and joints.
2- It may be the chemo.. Gemzar apparently has a tendency to cause pain like this in some people.
3- It COULD be caused by the accumulation of fluid in her legs and ankles. One person recommended that she try some compression stockings, so I have ordered 2 pair and have my fingers crossed that they will make a big for her!
In other news.. Mom is going to be a great grandmother!!! She is VERY happy and excited about this! It really gives her something happy and positive to focus on. We ALL know that makes a difference!!!
So.. now we wait for appointments and stockings... Hopefully both happen soon!
~C xx
Mom has been having pain, lots of pain but not in her abdomen with this shit is living. It's in her thighs. Both sides. It's been a challenge to find out what is causing this but I am determined!
We saw the doctor this past week. Surprisingly we got some excellent news. Mom's tumor markers have decreased dramatically and by all standards this is an indication that the chemo is working!! (Take THAT cancer!) Now we are waiting for the CT scan appointment so we can see what is really happening in there.
To say we were happy is an understatement! BUT this news was slightly overshadowed by the pain issue. I asked it this could be from the Neulasta injections and the doctor did not think so. He actually was not sure what was causing it so we are waiting for an appointment for an ultrasound as well.
In the meantime, I have been able to talk to a few of my lung cancer people online and found out a few things.
1- Neulasta could be the cause. Most people who have had the shots have had problems with pain in the muscles, bones and joints.
2- It may be the chemo.. Gemzar apparently has a tendency to cause pain like this in some people.
3- It COULD be caused by the accumulation of fluid in her legs and ankles. One person recommended that she try some compression stockings, so I have ordered 2 pair and have my fingers crossed that they will make a big for her!
In other news.. Mom is going to be a great grandmother!!! She is VERY happy and excited about this! It really gives her something happy and positive to focus on. We ALL know that makes a difference!!!
So.. now we wait for appointments and stockings... Hopefully both happen soon!
~C xx
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