Dear Cancer.. piss off...

The much anticipated CT scan is over with and the EKG and ultrasound of Mom's legs are done, too.
What a long week she has had.

First, she insisted, rather venomously, that she would take herself to the scans and she did not need or want me there. Okay, independence is always a good thing. Even if I did have all that GUILT to deal with over not being with her. Sigh.. Turns out maybe I should have been there, but maybe it was for the best that I wasn't.

The contrast drink she had to take was a huge problem. She has been dealing with horrible diarrhea since the beginning of the chemo treatments. It is uncontrollable and comes out of nowhere and just HAPPENS. The drink she had to take also causes diarrhea.. intentionally as it has to be evacuated from the system as soon a possible after the test. Sadly, coupled with the issues she already has, this stuff went through her so fast that there was no way to prepare for it. It was already a nightmare in progress before she even got to the hospital.  Sigh.. this breaks my heart. She was so upset and so embarrassed and so angry by the time she finally got home, dressed in hospital scrub pants as hers were not wearable. I feel once again completely helpless.

It's so hard. I try so hard to help her out. I try to recommend things that would be helpful and beneficial. I try to explain to her how to take the meds in order for them to work more efficiently but in Mom's eyes I don't know what I am talking about. It's so hard for her to acknowledge that maybe I do know what I am talking about after all. She is a very stubborn and proud lady. That doesn't always work in her favor. Especially now.

So, I write notes. I document everything and keep it in her binder; the cancer chronicles. I write down every symptom, every little complaint she makes to me. I keep details of everything so I am able to share them with the oncologist. She doesn't believe that any of it is important. Maybe not but you never know on a cancer journey what really IS and is NOT important and what could be signals of something serious beginning.

My project before now and next weeks chemo is to write up the ton of notes about the nightmare scans, find a way to present the fact that she will NEVER allow them to put her through this ever again (and I do not blame her) and hopefully come to a compromise on future scans. All of this while I have the waiting on the results on my mind, too.

Dear cancer, I am not only hating on you, but I am asking, begging for you to just go away! FAR AWAY and leave us alone... You are not welcome here!