Rough Day! Well Morning anyway...

Cancer I hate you. HATE YOU HATE YOU HATE YOU.

Well, I am filled with good news and yet still very upset.

A bit of background.. My Mom is not always the most pleasant person to be around. Our relationship has been strained in the past but the cancer has seemingly brought us closer together.  Mom can be a challenge to even be around on some days, nasty, negative and just not a nice person. This is how she has always been but today brought that to a whole new level.
We got to the appt and of course there were papers to be filled out. She was FURIOUS that they asked her to do that. I offered to do it but she get angry at me for asking and said NO. I opted to sit quietly and let her deal with things. You can probably imagine the reaction when they asked her for a urine sample... She snapped that poor nurse's head off and ripped the cup out of her hand and stomped off to the restroom. I was so shocked that I couldn't even speak.
So we go to the exam room and the nurse who was absolutely a dream!! So sweet and nice, begins to ask the normal questions. She asked what brought us in today. YIKES. Mom snaps at her and says Who the Hell even knows!  At this point a lightning bolt to my head would have been most welcomed.
We got through the preliminary questions, blood pressure, pulse etc which were perfect, and the nurse told us Dr would be in very shortly. Mom says He Better Be!! I am NOT wasting my time and money here all day!
No lightning bolt but the Dr did come in pretty quickly! (THANKFULLY)  He starts asking the normal questions and Mom was so rude and nasty be decided to talk to me.  (Can't blame him for that.) Anyway, he asked me what the oncologist was looking for as far as this visit. I explained that the right kidney has a tumor on it's pole and the left is inflamed and we just want to make sure there is nothing more underlying. He pulled up the CT scan images and sits between Mom and myself and goes over everything very thoroughly with us both. He thinks that the "tumor" on the right kidney may be a cyst (EXCELLENT NEWS) and that the left kidney's inflammation may be "normal" for Mom as it looks as if it MAY be a type of birth defect. ALL of this is such great news!  I figure this would make Mom happy but nope. It got worse from here. The poor doctor mentioned MAYBE doing another scan using nuclear contrast and Mom hit the roof! She never even heard him out, just yelled NO. NO MORE CONTRAST. NO. (background here, the barium contrast really, really exacerbated her bowel issues and she had several very embarrassing episodes during the last scan. I was so heartbroken to hear her crying from embarrassment. So I promised her never again would I allow ANY doctor to use barium again)
ANYWAY, I told her to please stop it that this test was completely different and there would be no barium, it is an IV drip. She still would not have any part of that.
We finally got to the point that this appointment was useless. The doctor was not even addressing her, or trying to as she was just being so stubborn. He asked me what I thought. I looked at Mom and I was honest with him. Mom has been through so much already, seen so many doctors and had so many tests, along with weekly chemo and blood work. I thought it would be best, as long as he agreed, to wait until her next set of scans, which are in early December, then compare all 3 sets and see if there is any changes. If not, then I am pretty sure she will tell him she will  not do anything further.
I must add, all of the kidney function tests have been normal. The whole reason behind this appt was to address the inflammation, and err on the side of caution as there is some kidney disease/cancer in her family.
SO, there is a follow up appointment made for January 10. Whether we go or not remains to be seen.
She was STILL absolutely furious and miserable and nasty when I got her home. I KNOW she is frustrated and so tired of doctors and medicines and chemo. I just don't know how to ease her temper on days like this.
I know this is long and probably sounds terrifyingly whiny. I am sorry, I just needed to get this off my chest.

Cancer, you suck and I hate you. I hate how you are fucking up my Mom and her life and how you are making mine a nightmare! DIE CANCER, JUST DIE!

It's been awhile!

Dear Cancer.. Die would ya?!

It's been a while since my last post here. No reason other than I have been so busy between Mom and chemo and other doctor appointments.

At least in the past several weeks she has been human to me. I know I am the only person she has to lash out at, but that doesn't make it a lot easier to deal with at times. I have, however, located an online support group for cholangiocarcinoma!! I have gone from feeling like I am the only person in the universe to having a whole group of people who either are CC patients or caregivers or family members. Bottom line? I found people who get this and can offer advice and help and support!! YAY!!! It's really been a wonderful help and I am so grateful to have stumbled onto it!

Now, on to Mom news..

We saw the surgeon who put her stents in last week. He wants to change them but wants to wait for her to finish chemo first. Chemo is slated to end mid December. It was a 6 month course and the oncologist has decided to stop it and we will wait and see how things go. I am not too thrilled with this but more chemo will become toxic and that would be very bad. So, we will see what happens. Next round of scans will be in December as well so they may change the entire scenario anyway.

Monday coming up we are seeing a urologist to have her kidneys checked. The only tumor that did not shrink much was the one on the pole of her right kidney. Now she has inflammation in the left one and the oncologist wants another opinion.Not a bad idea as there have been cases of kidney disease and kidney cancer in her family. We need to just make sure that there is not something else going on  now.

I am exhausted mentally. I am so happy for the good reports from her scans and for the continued good news on her labs. I am so happy to see her looking so well. But in the back of my mind all of my cancer experiences are lurking and threatening to come cascading out all at once with their bitter and ugly realities. I know that this cancer is not ever going to be cured. And I know that once it starts to grow again it could just go like wild fire and be unstoppable. I know that this is reality and I hate it. I try to keep it pushed to the back of my tiny little mind as much as I can. But.. every now and then....


I hate you cancer. I hate you so much. Why did you have to come into my life again? Just die would you???