Dear cancer.. Man how I despise you!!!!!

Mom was here yesterday for supper. It was a really nice visit. Lots of lighthearted conversation as well as some mutually understood silences.

Mom saw her regular doctor on Friday. Although she did not tell me about the whole visit until Saturday, she did tell me he said her kidney is enlarged. I did not press for more information as I did not want her to stop talking. She knows I document everything to share with the oncologist and I have to be very careful not to pressure her or she won't tell me a damned thing. Just the way she is. It is on her terms or not at all. It's taken a bit of trial and error and I am still not 100% with getting the information out of her but I am able to get enough to keep on top of anything new or significant.

Anyway, I digress.. She was here yesterday for supper. Her appetite was good and she seemed to enjoy the food. We did not talk a lot about the medical shit, just kept it light. She stayed for a few hours then she headed for home. After she left Trev made a comment that set me back on my heels... He said it looks like Nanny found a new place for her spray tans.

Let me explain; when Mom was so jaundiced back in June, Trevor made an innocent comment that she looked like she had a really bad spray tan. He was so right! That was the best way to explain what she looked like.

So, last evening when he said that, my heart skipped a beat. There was an incredible complete silence for a few seconds and Meg added, somewhat hesitantly that yes, Nanny was looking yellowish again. DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT to hell and back...

A couple of thoughts cross my mind about this. 1) when the stents were put in her liver the surgeon told her that they would need to be removed/cleaned after a period of time. (Need to check my notes about this) and 2) if that IS the case then maybe this yellowing is nothing more than a signal that the stents are in need of cleaning or replacement? Yes I know that this cancer is terminal but I am NOT ready to throw in the towel yet! In all honesty, I may NEVER be ready for that, but that decision will be made on my behalf, sadly.

Oh cancer, you robbed me of another night's sleep and I am getting VERY sick and God damned tired of you doing this. WHY WON'T YOU DIE!!!??????


Thinking of starting an online support group for only children who are in the role of caregiver to their parents. As alone as I feel, I know I cannot be the only one in this situation. And I cannot even begin to explain how good it would be to have someone, ANYONE who shares or has shared this experience to talk to.