Dear Cancer

We are getting ready to go to chemo today. You will be dying more after that. Good. Stupid damn disease. You truly are the lowest, most hated entity in the universe. Just go die.

Anyway, we are just over a month into this since the initial diagnosis on June 8, 2012. Hard to believe how fast time has moved since then, even with a couple of seemingly endless days tossed in for balance.

Mom continues to do very, very well with the Gemzar. A few little constipation issues, some diarrhea tossed into the mix to keep things interesting and otherwise, she just goes on and on and on..

Last week she had blood drawn before chemo and her counts were quite low. They decided she should have a transfusion to get things back on track. She balked at first but she did finally agree to having it done. Friday we saw the primary care guy for a check up for her diabetes then we went around the corner to the day patient unit and she got 2 units of blood. Amazing to see the difference after that. I am curious to see what the counts are today. 

 Cholangiocarcinoma. It sounds so fake!

I finally sat down last night with the scan results from June 8 and really, REALLY read them over thoroughly. Might have been a bad idea, I don't know but there are soooo many spots of cancer throughout her lower abdomen and so many more suspicious lesions. Her oncologist has been honest with me from the day we first met that this is a very, very grim prognosis and a very serious and grave condition she is in. I just find it so difficult to completely accept and/or believe this as she is doing SO well and has had (Thank God) no pain. Other than the one episode that lead to her going to the doctor with the jaundice, ending up in the Emergency Department for testing and ultimately being diagnosed, there are no signs or symptoms now that she is this sick.  I suppose on some subconscious level I needed to read those reports over to remind myself that this is really happening...

What the future holds is anyone's guess at this stage. I live today for today and try not to plan on anything too far out. Cherish the moment and all that. And above all, I am trying to remain positive! It's not easy some days but I refuse to allow cancer to dictate my ENTIRE life. It has some control over some parts but I will be damned if I will let it overtake everything. 

Fuck you cancer!