Dear Cancer... I still hate you.

I am in a weird place lately. I have some of the most amazing friends who never, ever fail to check in with me, let me know that they are there and that they care. They really do make this nightmare just a bit easier to cope with. But I am so hyper sensitive and so angry under the surface. And I am scared.. TERRIFIED.. All rolled into one big mess.

Thank you to all of you who do take the time to let me know you are there with me... and to the rest?? I just don't know what to even say to you.

"The rest" are the ones I have never ever turned my back on. The ones I reached out to while they were on this road. The ones I put countless hours into trying to find the right things to help them, the right words, the right advice to share. Some of these people have totally ignored me completely, some have tossed a comment my way here and there but have not gone out of their ways to really give a shit. 

Hell I read a comment this morning to another support organization from one of these people saying how great and wonderful they were.... SLAP, right in my face. Sigh............... I know, I know this is all being completely magnified because I am so stressed and so scared and so alone in the day to day stuff here. I know I do a lot of good for a lot of people. Just that ONE comment from someone I really went out of my way for HURT TO THE CORE.

But again, I will somehow find a way to blame fucking cancer for this and move on....

Mom is doing okay. She had some issues on Tuesday this week so I had to change her chemo from Tuesday to Wednesday. All went well. Bloods were all fine and she went yesterday afternoon for the first Neulasta shot. The shot went okay but around midnight the side effects kicked in and Mom was sure a truck had come in and run her down in her sleep. 

Neulasta is notorious for causing bone, muscle and joint PAIN and Mom sure found that out! A lot of oncologists have their patients take Claritin for 3 days after the shot. Something in the antihistimine properties of Claritin seems to help ease the side effects of the shot. So Mom did take some last evening and I am sure she will take it today with no arguments!